Four of Cups

I have been looking for you everywhere
I have looked for you in art
I have looked for you in words
I have looked for you around my room
and in my bed
and in the hallways
as if
you would simply
materialize
in front of me
I have looked for you exactly as a child
looks for
an imaginary friend
This person I feel
this person I look for
are they really here?
I’m afraid of finding you
I’m afraid of finding you
I am afraid of finding you
and regretting having ever looked

Finally,
I searched for you in the cards
The cards told me many things
They told me
you’re ahead in the game
then again
that I already knew
Then, they revealed both my worst fear
and my best wish
and that they were the same
to be neck deep
in joy
but, again,
that I already knew.
And finally,
they told me
that you might be ahead
but the knife is in my hand.
And that the thin, trembling bones
that form my hands
cannot bare
to hold a knife.

I only saw the vision
and what the vision showed
was me
and my shaky bones
hurting myself with this knife.
I cannot trust these hands of mine
they tremble
and they cut.
And the little girl
she told me this would last until
I could no longer stand it
and that I would use my knife
to cut my own hand
out of yours.
This is more likely
than it is
for me to be at peace with joy.