It’s been a while and I don’t really know how I’m supposed to feel right now so here I am. I don’t know how I feel or what I should do, I guess I’m a bit cloudy, and I bet you felt it. I guess the truth of it all is that today was amazing. But now I miss you and I don’t know what to do with it, this feeling and all the other feelings I have for you so here I am writing about them. When you talked about me being your first girlfriend and how intense it all was, it brought back some old ache, that maybe I’m special but you can still feel the same for someone else, and, also, a new ache: that maybe you’ll realize it’s good enough to have me at arm’s length. As for the old one: I’ve grown enough to realize that it is impossible to feel the same thing for different people, and that what we had, or what we have, I guess, will always be its own. I feel like it’s important to note that this isn’t about reciprocity and needing feelings to always be the same, like I used to a long time ago. Maybe the same insecure root but it’s more about us than it is about me, this time. And as for the latter, I was thrown off by a few things that made me realize that there is a possibility that you’re going to find it enough to have me without having me. Having me at arm’s length. I don’t like being the mediator, and at the same time, it’s the most natural thing in the world for me and I think I must stand my ground on not being that. Stand my ground that you can’t just kiss me and miss me and not be there all the way. Maybe, for me, it’ll have to be either friends or lovers, because this feeling of being in the middle of something is all too familiar to me, as is the anxiety that comes with. This cloudy view. I always preferred the burning sun or pouring rain to cloudy skies, and maybe that’s how it must be, for me.
- a little something I wrote, February 17th
unpleasant conversations 